I have the solution to Milo Yiannopolous… ban him from EVERYTHING!
People have been worked up recently, asking Shopify to ban Breitbart from its platform, and several institutions to ban Milo Yiannopolous from their premises/services.
I fucking hate Breitbart and Milo Yiannopolous, so I decided to help.
My efforts initially hit a roadblock—I realised that Shopify is just a piece of online software. Anyone can use it. Shopify doesn’t sponsor Breitbart. It doesn’t advertise on it. It doesn’t endorse it.
Anyone can sign up to Shopify like anyone can sign up to an email service. Doesn’t mean Yahoo supports Kim Jong-Un (or whoever the hell hacked their service).
Then, I thought, “OMG, email! I wonder what else Milo Yiannopolous relies on in his day-to-day life… If we got him banned from everything, we could really silence that son of a bitch!”
We could get Kellogg’s to ban him from eating their cereal… #DontFeedHate.
We could get Nike to ban him from wearing their trainers #DontSpreadHate.
We could get Starbucks to ban him from drinking their coffees #DontPowerHate.
If that anaemic string of pubic hair, Milo Yiannopolous, relies on any goods or services in his every day life, we can get him banned from using them.
Fuck it… even if they don’t directly endorse Milo, clearly, they can see that he and Breitbart are a bag of dicks.
Brands are paragons of morality and virtue. We need them to keep us in check. Upholding the views of superior sections of society is basically why all companies exist.
And now I’m thinking, “Shit! What if these skid marks we call brands don’t do the right thing? What if they don’t ban that son of a bitch and everything connected with him?”
Easy answer—Brand Ideology Police Department.
It will become essential for every brand to have a department of ideology police officers.
The job of the ideology police will be to make sure no individuals or organisations with banned views are allowed to purchase items. A free market is overrated.
I’m fairly confident the day will come when every human in the world thinks the same, feels the same, acts the same. We just need to get rid of all the bad eggs first.
And I know neither Milo nor Breitbart have broken any laws yet… but fuck them. The 3 blind mice can see they’re about to break the law.
With my plan, we can punish them ahead of time *and* keep the crime from happening.
So, now I’m thinking:
“Why limit this strategy to that genital wart, Milo Yiannopolous? Why should he get special treatment? In fact, why limit it to Breitbart either?”
Well, the answer is that we shouldn’t.
We should gather everybody who thinks like Milo Yiannopolous or supports Breitbart, and then systematically lock them out of society too. Because if you think about it, they’re the ones really fuelling hate.
If our goal is to lock out all hateful views, then we gotta do this right—no half-arseing.
Without their supporters, Breitbart is just a name and Milo is just one man. The huge number of supporters is what’s really at the heart of this monster.
I say, let’s hit these knuckle draggers where it hurts… right in the popular support gonads.
A recap of my plan to protect freedom and equality
So, we’ll get all brands to ban Milo, Breitbart and anyone who supports either from consuming their goods and services because… well… #DontFeedHate #DontSpreadHate #DontPowerHate.
Then, we’ll set up Brand Ideology Police Departments. Just to make sure the bans are enforced and companies do their jobs by keeping us morally in check.
Then we’ll wait and watch Milo, Breitbart and all their supporters wither and disappear… Utopia at last!
Actually, I don’t imagine they’ll take all this sitting down.
Might well lead to some kind of civil conflict… but who cares. When we’re right, we’re goddamn fucking right and frankly, I see no other way.
Finally, some might say my solution looks worryingly similar to extremism… To them I say:
“Fuck you! Protecting the feelings of citizens is an extreme fucking sport, motherfucker!”
