Lost as fuck

There it is. 6 years worth of work, laughter, tears, stress, money, transformation, love.

All of my adult life has been committed to this piece of paper.

Constantly reminding myself that this is more than me, this is more than my own success.

This piece of paper is the first stepping stone for future generations in my family.

So now that I have it — that we have it, whats next?

I’ve been feeling like I’m floating on a cloud, searching for a staircase to get back onto earth.

My whole conscious life has been all about getting this degree. I’ve felt the force of my family behind me the whole way — placing all of their hopes into this achievement.

When I was in it I couldn’t see past the degree. Yeah sure, I knew that grad school was the “next step,” but now that I’m here behind all the mental deadlines I set for myself — I’m lost.

Honestly, truly — LOST AS FUCK.

but i’m learning to be ok with that.

These past couple months have been so scattered, yet so grounding at the same time.

Working my way through college afforded me the ability to neglect my feelings of discomfort/sadness/trauma because deadlines mattered more than my mental health.

I was walking around so tangled with the anxieties, the pools of emotion — being my taurus self and sweeping it under the rug.

But now I’m unraveling beautifully, smoothing through the muddled emotions that I never even knew were there — learning to be patient with myself. Because even though I don’t know what my next step is, I’m still growing everyday. I’m still learning to be comfortable and happy in my own skin while navigating the right spaces I choose to place my energy.